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Funny Quotes To Put a Smile on Your Face

Funny quotes that will put a smile on your face and brighten your day.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Lana Turner

 

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch Hedberg

 

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

Elayne Boosler

 

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

Joey Adams

 

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

Robin Williams

 

The ideal man doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t swear, doesn’t get angry, doesn’t exist.

 

Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

Bill Vaughan

 

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

Mitch Hedberg

 

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Joan Rivers

 

It’s better to shut up and give the impression that you’re stupid than to say something and erase all doubt.

 

When a man gets close to a woman wearing a leather mini-skirt, his heart starts beating faster, his throat gets dry, his knees get weak and he becomes irrational.. Why? Because the leather smells like a new car.

A girl called me once and said “come over, nobody is home!” I went there and she was right, nobody was home!

If aliens saw us walking our dogs and picking up their poop, who would they think is in charge?

When is yelling during a robbery a bad idea? When you have gold teeth.

My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

You know you’ve been in trouble a lot when both you, and the cop know each other by first names.

 

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